I wasnt enough

Her name is M***. M*** is who he was smsing on Wednesday when I couldn’t get hold of him. Telling her what he wanted to do to her with his tongue That he cant wait till they could “drink” each other again Telling her that the bulge in his pants was aching for her Telling her that he had a bed for them and all she had to do was get there Telling her that I am at work till 9 and he had until 5 to “make her feel like a real woman” Telling her that he so badly wanted to move in with her and give her “everything” I tried. I tried with everything I could to prove to you I wanted you and I trusted you and I wanted “our” life. Wednesday I had a bad feeling. My instincts told me something was up. That is why I checke your phone. I hadn’t really before then. I trusted you before then. I don’t know why on Wednesday I had this niggling feeling that something was going on, but it was there. When I saw those sms’s – Paul it ripped my heart out. I was worse than anything I had ever found before. And the fact that you wanted to bed her, in our bed! What if she had pitched up Paul? You would have been like that cat that got the cream wouldn’t you? And you would have left me slept in our bed, on unwashed sheets. Because I would probably never have found out. And you could have had me full time and M**** on the side for as long as you covered your tracks? You could have been sending ME those sms’s – you know I wanted it and I would have responded. I have never felt so humiliated and disrespected. I gave you everything…well tried to….I told you I was terrified of not being enough for you. You kept assuring me I was. Who lied? I don’t want to fight P***. I really don’t. I want us to part on good terms. I don’t hate you, but whats done is done – I can and never will trust you again. You don’t even trust me anyway – without trust there is no love is there? You will find someone else really quickly again – I know that. And I truly wish you everything of the best. Truly.

I wont give up..

It has been a month since we broke up. A month since I lost the air that I breathe. A month since the part of me was ripped away. I believe we were meant to be....and that we will be. Jason Mraz says it best: I WONT GIVE UP I Won't Give Up" Hmmmm ... Hmmmm ... Hmmmm ... Hmmm ... When I look into your eyes It's like watching the night sky Or a beautiful sunrise There's so much they hold And just like them old stars I see that you've come so far To be right where you are How old is your soul? I won't give up on us Even if the skies get rough I'm giving you all my love I'm still looking up And when you're needing your space To do some navigating I'll be here patiently waiting To see what you find 'Cause even the stars they burn Some even fall to the earth We've got a lot to learn God knows we're worth it No, I won't give up I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use The tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not And who I am I won't give up on us Even if the skies get rough I'm giving you all my love I'm still looking up Still looking up. I won't give up on us (no I'm not giving up) God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved) We've got a lot to learn (we're alive, we are loved) God knows we're worth it (and we're worth it) I won't give up on us Even if the skies get rough I'm giving you all my love I'm still looking up

There was a time

Where I was your everything
Where I was the reason you got up in the morning
Where you were *so* scared that I would go looking for what you couldnt offer elsewhere
When we couldnt wait to be intimate with each other

That time for you is gone

But not for me.
All the above still applies. Even more so now. We have climbed mountains together - MOUNTAINS!
We have overcome so much and I truly believe we could have an amazing life.

If only you felt the same way.

I miss the little things!

There were so many things you did that cemented the thought in my mind and made me so secure in the fact that you loved me. I felt it. I saw it. I knew it.

Now? I have to just take your word.
And at that a word that is never uttered first, unsolicited.
I dont hear "I Love You" unless I say it first.
I dont get a kiss unless I give one first.
I dont get a hug unless I give one first.
We don't make love unless I inititate first.

In fact right now I dont get much from you at all.
You say you are focused on making us money so we can live a better life?
You are ignoring me and my feelings in the process.
And it hurts.
Badly.

We used to chat during the day. Yes I do understand you are busier now...but I love hearing from you during the day, knowing that you are thinking of me too?


I used to get this:

• You are the reason for my drive and focus. I'm riding this lightning bolt for you. I love you
• I'll live for nothing, but i'll die for you. Because you are everything. X
• I'm thinking of you all the time. You are part of my thought process that i cannot function without :-)
• Together we are getting there, wouldn't be any point without you. You redefine me :-)

  
  

Now I get this:

------------------------------------------------------------

It hurts.

Because I dont know if you still feel that way.

I miss it.

Pushing me Away

My thoughts today courtesy of Linkin Park - Pushing me away


"Pushing Me Away"
I've lied to you
The same way that I always do
This is the last smile
That I'll fake for the sake of being with you
(Everything falls apart
Even the people who never frown
Eventually break down)
The sacrifice of hiding in a lie
(Everything has to end
You'll soon find we're out of time left
To watch it all unwind)
The sacrifice is never knowing
Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see you're testing me pushes me away
Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see your testing me pushes me away
I've tried like you
To do everything you wanted too
This is the last time
I'll take the blame for the sake of being with you
(Everything falls apart
Even the people who never frown
Eventually break down)
The sacrifice of hiding in a lie
(Everything has to end
You'll soon find we're out of time left
To watch it all unwind)
The sacrifice is never knowing
Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see you're testing me pushes me away
Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see you're testing me pushes me away
(We're all out of time
This is how we find how it all unwinds)
The sacrifice of hiding in a lie
(We're all out of time
This is how we find how it all unwinds)
The sacrifice is never knowing
Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see you're testing me pushes me away
Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see you're testing me pushes me away
Pushes me away

Nothings Changed......

He came home last night and kissed me like I had been longing to be kissed...and the tears were not those of joy. They were from the realisation that he was  using my feelings against me rather then showing his  - as he has none.
I dont take care of myself anymore.
He is  right.
I took care of myself when he made me feel like a queen. His queen.
The compliments stopped.
They were being given to other woman.
Thats when the self doubt and self loathing crept back.
I couldnt be that great if he was giving the love I so desperatly needed elsewhere, could I?
I couldnt be that beautiful if he was telling others they were.
I couldnt be that perfect if he was telling others they were.
Then again the kiss we shared this morning reminded me that I do love him - I felt the same kissing him this morning as I did the first time we kissed.
I only wish he could say the same.
He will never accept that I want, or rather, need to have a good relationship with my ex, he will forever be jealous of him. That ship has sailed long ago and I would never dream of ever giving my attentions to another man as long as I am with him but he doesnt believe me.
I will never be going through his phone again but I do not trust him. I never will.

He said he didn't love me but he doesn't want to leave me.
I love him that's why I'm leaving him - so that he doesnt call any more time he spends with me a *waste*.
All I ever wanted was to be enough.

Last Letter....

I am sitting here..crying..again… thinking about where I went wrong. About where I let you down. About where I disappointed you. About where you realized I wasn’t the dream you thought I was not so long ago. About where I stopped being enough and drove you away to find something else somewhere else. The something that you weren’t getting from me.

I wish to God I could flick a switch and turn off what I still feel for you. I find it hard still to not talk to you during the day. To not feel a pang of jealousy when I see you on your phone. To stop my heart doing a flip flop when I look into your eyes.  It is so hard for me to lie in bed at night and not ask you to hold me.

But I do know that the dream is not meant to be that I need to somehow get over what I still feel for you and to let you go and find your happiness. I believe when you say that you no longer love me (as much as it hurts) and that there isn’t much chance of you ever loving me again like you used to.

I will never forget you – you made such an impact in my life, you showed me what it was to be really loved, if only for a short while. I know I will never find again what I had with you but I’m ok with that. I’m ok with having had that love for a short while, and I will treasure it always. You were, apart from my girls the best thing that ever happened in my life. You lifted me up so high – higher then I had ever been. I loved myself when I loved you.

I truly and sincerely hope you find your dream.