I am sitting here..crying..again… thinking about where I went wrong. About where I let you down. About where I disappointed you. About where you realized I wasn’t the dream you thought I was not so long ago. About where I stopped being enough and drove you away to find something else somewhere else. The something that you weren’t getting from me.
I wish to God I could flick a switch and turn off what I still feel for you. I find it hard still to not talk to you during the day. To not feel a pang of jealousy when I see you on your phone. To stop my heart doing a flip flop when I look into your eyes. It is so hard for me to lie in bed at night and not ask you to hold me.
But I do know that the dream is not meant to be that I need to somehow get over what I still feel for you and to let you go and find your happiness. I believe when you say that you no longer love me (as much as it hurts) and that there isn’t much chance of you ever loving me again like you used to.
I will never forget you – you made such an impact in my life, you showed me what it was to be really loved, if only for a short while. I know I will never find again what I had with you but I’m ok with that. I’m ok with having had that love for a short while, and I will treasure it always. You were, apart from my girls the best thing that ever happened in my life. You lifted me up so high – higher then I had ever been. I loved myself when I loved you.
I truly and sincerely hope you find your dream.
It has been months since I have put any serious thought into us and our future, my mind swimming in events and dreams that I will possibly never acquire. You entered my life on a cloud and even through the hardships you never buried me. I needed to have you around me to shift my focus on the troubles that plagued my mind and still do. If this is it then I think you should know that I will not be going going to simmer down with a new dish, I told you when I first met you that you would be the last.
ReplyDeleteOur tempers and jealousies are the worst things between us and the dream you hope I will find has already past. Now all I will have left are nighmares because you were always the dream.
I hope someday things will work but if not, I hope you find what you are looking for and what you need...........
I was the dream...I'm not anymore. My nightmares have already started - and that is facing the rest of my life without you. I always said I won't share you.
ReplyDeleteI was looking for you.
I needed you.