Pushing me Away

My thoughts today courtesy of Linkin Park - Pushing me away


"Pushing Me Away"
I've lied to you
The same way that I always do
This is the last smile
That I'll fake for the sake of being with you
(Everything falls apart
Even the people who never frown
Eventually break down)
The sacrifice of hiding in a lie
(Everything has to end
You'll soon find we're out of time left
To watch it all unwind)
The sacrifice is never knowing
Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see you're testing me pushes me away
Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see your testing me pushes me away
I've tried like you
To do everything you wanted too
This is the last time
I'll take the blame for the sake of being with you
(Everything falls apart
Even the people who never frown
Eventually break down)
The sacrifice of hiding in a lie
(Everything has to end
You'll soon find we're out of time left
To watch it all unwind)
The sacrifice is never knowing
Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see you're testing me pushes me away
Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see you're testing me pushes me away
(We're all out of time
This is how we find how it all unwinds)
The sacrifice of hiding in a lie
(We're all out of time
This is how we find how it all unwinds)
The sacrifice is never knowing
Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see you're testing me pushes me away
Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see you're testing me pushes me away
Pushes me away

Nothings Changed......

He came home last night and kissed me like I had been longing to be kissed...and the tears were not those of joy. They were from the realisation that he was  using my feelings against me rather then showing his  - as he has none.
I dont take care of myself anymore.
He is  right.
I took care of myself when he made me feel like a queen. His queen.
The compliments stopped.
They were being given to other woman.
Thats when the self doubt and self loathing crept back.
I couldnt be that great if he was giving the love I so desperatly needed elsewhere, could I?
I couldnt be that beautiful if he was telling others they were.
I couldnt be that perfect if he was telling others they were.
Then again the kiss we shared this morning reminded me that I do love him - I felt the same kissing him this morning as I did the first time we kissed.
I only wish he could say the same.
He will never accept that I want, or rather, need to have a good relationship with my ex, he will forever be jealous of him. That ship has sailed long ago and I would never dream of ever giving my attentions to another man as long as I am with him but he doesnt believe me.
I will never be going through his phone again but I do not trust him. I never will.

He said he didn't love me but he doesn't want to leave me.
I love him that's why I'm leaving him - so that he doesnt call any more time he spends with me a *waste*.
All I ever wanted was to be enough.

Last Letter....

I am sitting here..crying..again… thinking about where I went wrong. About where I let you down. About where I disappointed you. About where you realized I wasn’t the dream you thought I was not so long ago. About where I stopped being enough and drove you away to find something else somewhere else. The something that you weren’t getting from me.

I wish to God I could flick a switch and turn off what I still feel for you. I find it hard still to not talk to you during the day. To not feel a pang of jealousy when I see you on your phone. To stop my heart doing a flip flop when I look into your eyes.  It is so hard for me to lie in bed at night and not ask you to hold me.

But I do know that the dream is not meant to be that I need to somehow get over what I still feel for you and to let you go and find your happiness. I believe when you say that you no longer love me (as much as it hurts) and that there isn’t much chance of you ever loving me again like you used to.

I will never forget you – you made such an impact in my life, you showed me what it was to be really loved, if only for a short while. I know I will never find again what I had with you but I’m ok with that. I’m ok with having had that love for a short while, and I will treasure it always. You were, apart from my girls the best thing that ever happened in my life. You lifted me up so high – higher then I had ever been. I loved myself when I loved you.

I truly and sincerely hope you find your dream.